Question for psychologists

Hello!
I'm 28 and single...
I'm lonely and I can't do anything about it.
I have a good education and work in my specialty. There was a good and loving family (loving and beloved parents). But I was always lonely, or rather felt like that. Only child, few friends. Until I was 24, I had no relationships with men, because they did not pay any attention to me. But I had hope for happiness in the future. After school, I thought that when I studied at the academy, I would find happiness. After the academy, I hoped that at work I would meet new friends and my future husband.
And at work I met a young man, but nothing worked out because he was married and did not love me. And I loved him very much and was very worried when our relationship ended. It took me a long time to come to my senses. And... I became disillusioned with men and became a man-hater. I realized that I thought of them as individuals that I did not know and did not understand. Bitterness and disappointment were the feelings I felt. But the worst thing is: I lost hope for the future. I stopped thinking about having a family and love. My friend says that it will still appear in my life, but I don’t think so anymore. I believe that all events in a person’s life happen in due time - on time. And I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve already missed my only chance at happiness.
But I felt real misfortune this year. Before my birthday, my dad had a stroke. He survived and is now recovering, but age and bad habits constantly put his health in danger. And my mother died two months after that. Nothing predicted this, but the doctors missed her oncology. I only stayed at the funeral for my dad. And everyone said that I was doing well. All she wanted was to be alone so she could cry. Then I even thought about leaving work and staying at home with my dad. I was dissuaded. But now I feel such a huge responsibility for our family. Everything fell on my shoulders. Everything my mother did is now on me. Now I solve all problems. And I have a feeling after her death that some part of myself was amputated. I always feel so defenseless and pathetic.
And I decided that the meaning of my life would be my dad’s life. As long as he lives, I will live too. There was no one left and nothing worth living for.
If there is nothing else in my life, then what is it for?
I don’t want to wake up every morning without meaning, without the feeling of being “needed” for someone. Therefore, I decided that after his death (and it will still happen in 5-7 years), I will also leave. I've already chosen a method. And it was I who asked that the places in the cemetery be fenced off for the three of us.
I have lost hope, but somewhere inside me it still glimmers. And I make a reservation that if during the time that dad is alive, I still meet a person who loves me and I have a family, then there will be meaning in living. Although this is unlikely. But you should always leave an escape route.
I'm just offended that my life was so useless and unnecessary.
I'm at a loss and don't know what to do.
Should I still hope for something good or is everything already useless and in vain?
Thank you in advance.

Received 4 pieces of advice - consultations from psychologists, to the question: How not to lose hope for happiness in the future?

Anastasia, good afternoon,

At 28 years of age, life is not yet lost. And of course, you have many opportunities to change it for the better.

Hello, Nastya. There is one unconscious rule: The way I treat myself, the same way others will treat me. Apparently, you are gray and inconspicuous, cautious and modest in terms of your needs. Therefore, young people treat you according to The scenario you propose (why, young people, do you need an ugly duckling). Some variations are possible. But the meaning is the same - until you find yourself on the pedestal of your personality, you will not find yourself on the pedestal of a young man. Or, in other words, he sees you extinct, burdened with something, tired, suffering, denying yourself. Such a girl will not meet eyes, will not smile, will not show the need for acquaintance. Since, your

Author Anastasia M asked a question in the section Dating, Love, Relationships

How not to lose hope? and got the best answer

Answer from Angelica[guru]
Hello Anastasia;)
and you won’t lose it .. it just so happened in life, we lose something, find, suffer ... but in the soul there always lives hope for the best that will happen in life ... yes, sometimes it is very fragile , because the cruel world forces us to convince us of the opposite with all our might, and we always prove something to someone, we fight ... and. etc. ... people always ask the question ... how to look at life, and relate to it in order to become happy man.... people just need to have at least some grains of happiness from life .... .
yes, the world is cruel... people continue to meet, no matter what, with those who make them unhappy (but they have hope... that everything will certainly change.. but they cannot believe that they deserve better in this life... and only faith and hope for the future gives strength to get rid of unlucky gentlemen... to really find a worthy one 😉
accepting everyday difficulties, surviving is very difficult, and sometimes you give up and you want to cry from powerlessness... and your heart breaks into pieces... everyone, of course, for different reasons... but hope sometimes helps to cope with the pain... and then it completely relieves from her..
Living happily is believing in yourself.. it is faith and hope that everything will be just fine.. and humanity has no other choice... except this faith in oneself.. .
I sincerely hope that you will meet an amazing and beneficial love that will turn your life around, and everything will be just the way you wanted... although even so... let this love bring with it a couple of pleasant surprises... - just for a change.. good luck ;)
Source: born on the day of Faith, Hope and Love;)

Answer from Oberdan[guru]
that’s right, that’s why we are the last hope to die, get busy with something else, it will be quickly forgotten!
- vote to save the living world for your children

Answer from The owner of winds[guru]
Your hope is as fragile as your Self is fragile. The more confident you are, the more confident your hope.

Answer from DESPERado[expert]
I don’t know how to lose - personally, I’ve already lost. but basically you just need to believe in yourself!

Answer from Yatyana[guru]
don't isolate yourself negative thoughts(by the way, thoughts are being implemented!! Be careful). just say I WILL BE GOOD! I BELIEVE! and it will come true, you just have to wait a little.

Answer from Kostik96[guru]
In order not to lose it, it is better not to have it! There are only problems with them: they either crash or die last...))

Answer from Sweety[guru]
Be optimistic in life!!

Answer from Natalia Sidorova[guru]
believe and love...

Answer from Ivan[guru]
I wish you not to be sad,
To be carried only in your arms.
So that you always smile,
After all, you are like an Angel in heaven.
You are the light and peace in the fate of the one
Who do you call: dear.
And without whom you sometimes feel sad,
And only to him do you give LOVE.

Answer from Alexandra Skvortsova[guru]
Cheer up. Good luck.

Answer from Andrey[newbie]
first you have to find hope, and when you find it, believe me, it is not lost - hope is FOREVER

Answer from User deleted[newbie]
There is always hope.

Answer from Anna[guru]
Setting goals for yourself and achieving them is gradual, as if climbing a long ladder. When you rise to the highest level, set a new goal for yourself.

Answer from Vera Sinyavskaya[newbie]
depending on what kind of hope you mean...)

Answer from Anna Mkrtchyan[active]
First you need to find her, then manage not to lose her, although this is no wonder, since she is always there, you just don’t see her...

Answer from Volcolak[guru]
To be honest, hope really dies after you... it just may not be so obvious...

Answer from Victor Semenov[guru]
Hope dies last... .
That's why they don't marry them...

Answer from Lubov[guru]
pull yourself together and don't lose your temper!

Answer from Dantes[guru]
Werit" i dobiwaza))

Answer from Yowoi Among Aliens[guru]
events left to their own devices tend to go from bad to worse. if you walk along the edge of an abyss, then no one is pushing you down. Hope is just a clear idea of ​​your plans, strengths and capabilities. When planning, assume the worst-case scenario. And take appropriate measures. Then there will be no disappointments...

Hope gives a foretaste of joy and light at the “end of the tunnel”, hope strengthens existence, where we, like squirrels, rush in the wheel of samsara in pursuit of pain to. Hope is an ancient drug that all of humanity is specifically addicted to. When the blissful dose of hope is exhausted, withdrawal comes in the form of hopelessness and doom. Having lost hope, we hang in an eerie lack of support, as if we have fallen into an abyss from which there is no escape.

Against the backdrop of hopeless despair, when it seems that there is nothing more to lose, at some point detachment and calmness come. The wall of hopelessness cracks a little, and through the thin gap, the light of non-duality begins to break through, a hint of the cold, unconditional happiness of enlightenment. But if hopelessness was not total and all-encompassing, this cosmic crotch slams shut, hopelessness and doom dissolve, and it comes again. And every time we cling to hope, like a thread of salvation in the unconditional chaos of infinity. It gives us “strength”, meaning and incentives to live, act and develop.

Every day, every hour, every moment we live in hope for the best. All our lives we have been running beyond the horizon of happiness, which is moving away from us at the same speed with which we are “approaching” it. This running in place continues as long as we hope for something. This is our human nature, - to live for a non-existent future. Hope gives us the strength to run around like this, but it robs us of our cold truth.

A person may not notice this continuous hope for “tomorrow,” just as a fish does not notice water. Hope is the air of personality, without which it cannot exist. We live in dreams, constantly hoping that we are about to find a way out of the stuffy room of the current life situation. At some point we find this way out, and for five minutes we rejoice in “freedom.” Then hope comes again, and we suddenly find that we have entered yet another stuffy room, dominated by yet another duality of hope and doom.

All achievements, all our interests, new acquisitions, expectations, purchases, everything is dictated by the hope for the best. We believe that after the next purchase and after the next achievement, we will finally begin to live, and we will live well. This is the voice of hope, fruitless promises of happiness, which still will not come, because in hope there has always been only a hint of happiness, but there has never been and never will be happiness in hope.

Hoping for something, we once again pull the thread of hope into a tangle of despair, unraveling which, instead of the promised happiness, we find hopelessness. After this there comes a pause, an expectation that is “like death.” And this pause lasts until we grab another bundle of hope for the hundred thousandth time. Successful people in our society they are experts at finding such balls of hope in large quantities. They are able to conduct many things at the same time - that is, simultaneously unravel many such tangles. And this makes sense. When the next tangle is recognized as a dummy, despair and hopelessness are compensated by those tangles of hope that have not yet been unraveled. They give meaning to life. This is the “middle” path of a successful person.

In its essence, hope is simply an experience that we perceive as a seed, an embryo of happiness. We quickly become attached to hope, and when it ends, we experience withdrawal. We equally project hopelessness and hope onto our lives as “real” events, forgetting that these are just experiences. This is voluntary self-deception. We begin to think and believe that our hope is some real event that will happen to us by itself. Sometimes we don’t seem to understand that the events of our lives depend not at all on hope and hopelessness, but on our “real” actions.

Hope - great way protect yourself from change. If hope for a better life has come and you have tasted its sweet taste, why do anything else? Beautiful dreams and conversations about better life– an excellent substitute for this most beautiful and best life. You dreamed a little, daydreamed and you feel satisfied! For today, the “deed” is done. But what about real changes? Why are they? It's too difficult and dangerous, because you can screw up and feel like a failure. It is much easier to leave everything as it is and continue to hope.

And this can continue until it’s too late, until your health runs out and the walls are covered with green moss.

Sometimes, hoping for a better life, we actually don’t want to change anything. We just love to hope, we love hope, we believe in it. We like to think about change, about a new life. And doing something for these changes is completely optional.

Ultimately, no matter what improvements we plan and make in ourselves, they are all dictated by the hope for a bright future. But the bright future still won’t come. The future remains somewhere in the future, and we live in a continuous “now,” protecting ourselves from the truth with the hope of the beautiful lie of a possible future.

The truth of the present moment is extremely dangerous to all our hopes. This truth is our existential fear of death, the fear of the individual - to dissolve completely in unconditional life without supports and restrictions. And to avoid this enlightening dissolution, we cling to hope.

What are you dreaming about? What are you hoping for? What are you striving for? ? ? ? Power? Prestige? ? All this is hope, another way to escape from yourself, from life here and now...

Perhaps at this point someone has already begun to think about getting rid of hope. And this - and this is her voice! Hope dictates this strange self-deception to us. Hoping to get rid of hope for the sake of a better life is tantamount to wanting to get rid of all desires, tantamount to committing suicide in order to somehow “improve” your life. This is a pursuit from oneself, with the goal of catching up with oneself. No one really sincerely wants to kill hope. And if he thinks that he is sincere about killing hope, then most likely he does not understand what he is talking about.

What then can we hope for? There were no answers here and there never will be. We live in a world of hope. Here everything happens according to these laws. We are all steadily moving towards a way out of the duality of hope and hopelessness, simultaneously falling into all possible extremes, so that, having become fed up with them, the “exit” from these extremes ceases to be perceived as a fatal, inevitable hopelessness. But in general, here, in this life, everything is really nothing. This is the voice of hope speaking.

It happens from hopelessness, fatigue, moral emptiness and a breakdown, hands drop, and it seems: that's it, there is no more strength to fight. How to overcome this streak and why you shouldn’t lose hope? Read inspiring stories!

11:59 4.11.2015

“Yesterday was my graduation party. A girl with Down syndrome danced alone, and everyone laughed at her. My boyfriend pulled me away and went to dance with her. His gives me hope."

"When my brother was in kindergarten, he couldn't stop talking about how cool and funny his friend Jeremy was. When we met him, we saw that he was in a wheelchair. On the way home, we asked my brother why he didn't tell us that Jeremy was disabled. He just said, 'Because it doesn't matter.'"

“One day, a 17-year-old girl fell into a coma. The boy she was in love with came to her every day and told her how much he loved her. This went on for a week until she finally woke up with the words “I love you” on her lips.
We have been married for 5 years. Jason, yours gives me hope."

“I work in intensive care and yesterday at the beginning of my shift, I again noticed that elderly man who had been in the waiting room for 4 days. I asked him why he didn't go home to sleep. It turned out that he is the husband of a woman who was in the isolation ward. He replied: 'We've been married for 65 years and I can't sleep without her.'"

We hope that these stories from the lives of real people will help you not to lose hope and start over! Believe in yourself - and everything will work out.