Question for a psychologist:

Hello.

I really don’t like myself, my body. It’s as if two people live in me, two essences: my soul and my body. I don't feel like I am a whole, and this makes me sad from time to time. I cannot be what my soul desires to be. If, for example, a person dreams of dancing, then he can go and learn dancing. But physiology, unfortunately, cannot be changed. I imagine that on the outside I am completely different, I have an ideal in my head of how I would like to be, but I understand that, for example, the shape of my eyes, the shape of my skull, my smile, etc. It’s impossible to change, and this depresses me very much. I can't accept myself as I am. This hopelessness sometimes drives me to despair and depression. If we judge objectively, I am not a freak, not disabled, a relatively healthy person, maybe handsome in places. I have positive qualities and skills, but I am fixated on appearance. So I clearly imagine how I would like to look, what kind of physique I would like, hair color, eye color, face shape, nose shape, what kind of voice I would like, skin, etc. All this is completely different, not what I have and therefore, I do not consider myself beautiful. Many people have much worse conditions with their appearance, and not only that, but for some reason such arguments do not reassure me. I am a maximalist and strive for perfection, for the ideal, I always work on myself to achieve what I dream of. But when it comes to appearance, I feel hopeless, because I cannot change myself externally the way I would like. Intellectually, I understand that medicine is not yet so omnipotent as to make me the person I would like to be, but this does not make life any easier... Please tell me, am I mentally ill if I think like that? What do i do? Please help me, at least point me in the direction. I understand that my story cannot be used to judge the problem 100%, but I tried to convey the essence and I really hope for your help.

I am 29 years old, single, no children. This problem has been going on for a very long time, it started 15-16 years ago. I have a good, trusting relationship with my parents, I communicate every day, I trust them with secrets.

Psychologist Svetlana Sergeevna Shikolaeva answers the question.

Hello, Vyacheslav,

I don't think you suffer from any serious mental illness. Of course, you are very neurotic about your many years of internal conflict “between soul and body,” but, apparently, the time has come to make efforts and seriously engage in resolving your internal contradictions. You started asking for help, wrote here, and this is the first step.

You are asking me to show you the direction... Look, the situation is that a person who does not accept himself does not accept the world as a whole (sometimes he does not fully realize this, but with the help of reasoning and analysis, this can be seen), and he also does not accepts the people around him as they are (similarly). That is, what does “does not accept” mean? It’s not that he hates, but he has no satisfaction, he doesn’t feel comfortable living in the world, he seems to always be upset that this world“not perfect”, and even laments about this sometimes...

It turns out that the source of a problem similar to yours, Vyacheslav, is in worldview. Impossible by willpower or with the help of some exercises, with the help psychological trainings, it is impossible to gain acceptance of oneself in isolation from the acceptance of the world (and, of course, those people who live in this world with us).

But worldviews can change. This is true, and this is very good for all of us. Try to first determine your own worldview. I cannot ask you now to clarify, but I can assume that, judging by your letter, your worldview is somewhat egocentric. We are not talking about egoism, but about a “related” concept, which implies that a person, against his will and often without fully realizing it, still closes the entire World around himself. Thus, he is very “tied” himself, simply hand and foot, because he seems to be constantly in one position (in a certain conditional center of his World). Of course, this is uncomfortable, and over the years it simply becomes painful and painful (if you compare, for example, with how our body becomes numb if we are in one position for a long time).

You write: “I am a maximalist and strive for perfection, for the ideal, I always work on myself to achieve what I dream of.” This kind of maximalism, idealism, perfectionism are sure signs of egocentrism. Now in the modern world, people’s problems associated with their egocentrism are, unfortunately, very common. We have suffered from this almost since childhood. Of course, the conditions of our modern society, culture, modern family structure and modern upbringing contribute to this, and are one of the main reasons, but still we should not forget that, fortunately, many people successfully overcome and transform their self-centered worldview. Some of us earlier, in youth, some a little later, already in adulthood, but many of us have the strength to realize our life attitudes and “principles”, see their fallacy, decide to correct our mistakes and misconceptions, to the extent possible. perhaps many manage to do this to one degree or another. And life gets better.

What I could suggest you try is to analyze as honestly as possible the true goal (motive) of your striving for the ideal in everything. What actually is the “reward” that you receive when you do the job perfectly or, having correctly calculated the strategy and practice, accurately achieve the next goal you set. If you contact a psychologist in person who could help you with these considerations, that would be nice.

Another proposal. It is very useful for the transition from a painful egocentric worldview to one in which you will truly feel part of the world, and you will feel like a fish in water in this world, regardless of your appearance, is to start giving thanks. You need to give thanks regularly, every night before going to bed. You need to thank the World (believers thank God, if you believe, then thank God). You say to yourself, or even write down for greater effectiveness of this exercise, 10 different concepts (things, situations, relationships, people) that were in your life today and for which you can thank the Universe. If you suddenly like this “exercise” and get used to it, then feel free to leave it for the rest of your life.

By the way, about the soul... You wrote that “it’s as if two people live in me, two essences: my soul and my body. I don’t feel like a whole...” This happens when we forget that we have a third Human component. It is she who is the most important, and she is, as it were, the “cement” that holds together all three components in a person and gives us the feeling of a whole being - Man. In society, this component is called “spirituality,” but this word does not accurately convey its essence. This is the Spirit. Those. we are made up of body, soul and spirit. And all three components are given to a person from birth. (This is why it is not appropriate to use the word “spirituality”, which is perceived by us as something that we acquire and then develop in the process of life). The spirit in a person is as much a given as the body and soul. Try to feel it within yourself. Despite the fact that this component of us may go unnoticed for a long time, it is the most powerful. Try to feel it in yourself and “attract” it to the process of gaining a sense of your own integrity.

“The moment a person accepts himself as he is,
without judging or comparing yourself with others,
both the feeling of superiority and the feeling of humiliation disappears.
Tension disappears, unsuccessful attempts stop
become someone else, stress and depression go away,
which arose due to self-rejection.”

We strive so hard to change yourself to get closer to generally accepted standards of beauty, success, that we don’t pay attention to our real selves.

Even if we manage to lose weight or gain weight, or acquire another thing in order to correspond to a certain status in society, we discover that this does not make us happier and luckier. On the contrary, inside the emptiness grows.

And all because we stubbornly do not want to see ourselves as we really are, without embellishment.

The main secret of positive changes is complete self-acceptance. But how to accept what you don’t like?

In this article I will tell you why it is so difficult to accept yourself. You will learn the difference between acceptance and rejection and how to learn to accept yourself.

Bonus for readers:

Where does self-acceptance begin?

From accepting your body. Most people, even those who have embarked on the path of spiritual development, often identify themselves with the body.

This is understandable. The body is a physical object, you can touch it and see it. It is easier to identify with the body. Moreover, we grew up with this understanding.

Therefore, the first thing you need to accept in yourself is the body.

How often do you take care of your body consciously and lovingly? Constantly? If yes, then you can be congratulated. You don't need to master this step.

But what about those who are still unable to accept a body?

You can eat healthy food as much as you want, exercise, get regular check-ups, but if this is done not for the sake of love, care and the process itself, but to meet some internally set standards, then this is not love for the body.

Learn listen to your body, recognize its signals. Most effective way to accepting one’s physical shell is .

Thank him for having it, for helping you realize your needs and desires.

When the body signals pain, do not judge it, but accept this sign, signal.

Find out how to learn to feel your inner body from the article.

I hope I helped you figure out why you can’t accept yourself.

Below I offer practices that will help you get to know yourself better and learn to accept.

6 ways to learn to accept yourself

1. Monitor moments of rejection

Rejection arises from the need to be good, the need to please others. To track states of rejection, you are in full awareness almost all the time.

Constantly ask yourself questions: “Is this exactly what I want to do now?” “Will this be good for me?”

2. Recapitulate your beliefs

One of the signs of self-rejection is self-criticism. By criticizing yourself, you seem to be communicating that you are not what you should be, that you do not measure up. someone's expectations.

First, figure out whose expectations and requirements these are. Where do they come from and why should you comply with them?

To your amazement, you suddenly find out that some of the requirements are random statements from some acquaintances or even complete strangers.

Your brain at one time pulled them out of the context of the conversation. And this may not concern you at all. But then for some reason you remembered it. And you began to adhere to this criterion.

When you want to be good for your loved ones, this is understandable, but the need to please absolutely everyone leads to losing yourself.

Carry out a thorough recapitulation of your (is it yours?) beliefs, criteria good man, wife/husband, mother/father, daughter/son, employee, friend, etc.

Some of them will disappear after awareness. You will have to work with others.

3. Keep an acceptance journal.

If you find it difficult to accept yourself as a whole, accept yourself in parts. Start with individual character traits, habits, appearance.

Keep an acceptance diary where you describe the times when you did not accept yourself and when you did. Track changes and reward yourself.

Don’t expect that if you haven’t accepted yourself at all, once you start working on yourself, you’ll be able to accept yourself completely right away. It all starts with the little things.

Collect these grains, note the slightest changes in yourself, write them down and re-read them in moments of decline and self-condemnation.

4. Practice “Who Am I?”

To learn to accept yourself, do this practice.

Answer yourself these questions:

Who am I? Am I my body? No. Am I a surname, a first name? No.

Do this in a meditative state.

By consistently answering such questions, you will reach down to its essence. And you will understand that you are not this body, you are not Ivan Petrov or the manager of such and such a company.

You are not just a person, but something more.

You are nothing and everything at the same time. You are spirit, part of the whole, part of the Universe, part of the creator. You are the Universe and you are the creator.

If you learn to track states of non-acceptance, then at such moments you will remember who you truly are. And then it will immediately become clear that it is the ego that does not accept itself, and not you yourself.

You will understand that the body is just a tool, and your name, profession, belonging to a certain family, country are elements of personality. This is the role you have chosen to play.

This practice will help you accept yourself. More precisely, not myself, but this role. Because you cannot help but accept your true essence.

5. Take cues from young children

Take a closer look at how the kids love themselves and rejoice at their small achievements.

When a child is just learning to walk, he does not blame himself for falling. He accepts himself at this moment. This is self-love and total acceptance in its purest form.

Yes, children need mother's love. They need it for growth and development. If there is not enough of it, it is the same as depriving a person of the sun for a long time. It seems possible to live, but it slows down development.

How younger child, the more he accepts and loves himself. Little children have not yet lost the feeling of unconditionally loving themselves and everything that surrounds them.

And all because they live in the moment “here and now”. They do not live in the past and do not live in the future. They are absorbed in the present moment.

6. Practice “Revival of unconditional self-love”

Working with your inner child will help you accept yourself. The only difference is that we usually find our wounded aspects and heal as adults.

But here, on the contrary, a small child heals all subsequent traumas up to our present version.

Enter a meditative state. Remember yourself as a kid. Roll the tape of your life back to childhood until you remember yourself like this, when you accepted yourself completely.

If you don't remember it anymore, it doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Imagine how you would feel about yourself, how you would love yourself, if you were a baby who does not yet know what it means to be rejected.

Track these sensations and remember them. Transfer them to yourself today. Feed yourself with these sensations. Send rays of love and acceptance to those aspects of you that need it.

If you want, remember those moments of self-judgment.

Better yet, just send the intention that you heal all aspects of yourself with that innocent childlike pure unconditional love. And anchor this state in the Earth crystal.

Acceptance is the first step towards discovery.

This is the beginning of positive changes, self-healing, self-knowledge and gaining integrity.

By accepting, you learn tolerance towards loved ones, you gain wisdom.

Share in the comments what you have already managed to accept in yourself, and what you have not yet succeeded in!

Be wise

In order for your man to stop being “different” in your eyes, you must learn to motivate him correctly. You should never speak directly, point out its disadvantages and start scandals. Especially if you find out that the things that irritate you appeared in his character and behavior many years ago and he lived well with it, perhaps he even liked it all. And now you came, you seemed to love him for who he is, and suddenly unexpectedly you begin to express your “fairy” regarding your significant other. Therefore, if you want, for example, a young man to be neater, you should not say that he looks like a pig and you are ashamed to appear with him in decent society. This can lead either to your comments being completely ignored, or to the fact that the man will begin to spite you. Therefore, you should just casually tell him about how he is the most handsome and the best, but if he also combed his hair properly and put on an ironed shirt, he would simply become the king of parties. This behavior often works well on guys and you can easily achieve positive results.

It is necessary not only to re-educate a man, but to change your attitude towards him. Remember that if you decide to be with a person in whom you see shortcomings, then you yourself need to learn to close your eyes to them. Otherwise, you simply cannot be together and you will have to break up. And if you are wondering what to do if you cannot accept your loved one for who he is, then breaking up is not an option for you. Therefore, every time you want to get angry at a guy for some action that is unacceptable to you, remember his good qualities. Think about why you love him and notice how negative emotions will gradually recede into the background. Your boyfriend is somewhat right when he tells you that you fell in love with him just like that. It’s true, it’s just that the more we love, the more we want the ideal man next to us. But ideals do not exist, and the young man does not strive to become one. Therefore, do not try to fit it into the image that you create yourself, and then it will be easier for you to relate to its disadvantages.

Embrace his life

Often, women still cannot understand and accept a man, because his life, hobbies, social circle, and so on seem wrong and stupid. In this case, the woman should not influence the man at all. Of course, if this does not apply to those cases when she sees that his environment and hobbies have a detrimental effect on him and drag him to the bottom. In this case, you need to talk to him seriously, try to open your eyes to the situation. Under no circumstances should you tell him the facts and expect that the guy will believe you and do everything right away. You need to give it to him discreetly necessary information, slowly push him to do the right thing, create situations in which he will see that such a life is detrimental for him. And if a person is really not like that, and all this is just the merit of the environment, then in the end he will understand and change. Otherwise, you will have to think about breaking up.

But we are still talking about situations when a guy’s life is quite normal, it’s just unacceptable for you. For example, a young man loves computer games, in which you do not see the point, and his friends seem uncouth and vulgar to you, although he considers them funny and true. In this case, many girls make one huge mistake - they try to fall in love with his life. They spend hours mastering new game, which the young man constantly talks about, they always try to communicate with his friends and say that they are good. But in reality, games remain a waste of time for them, and their friends remain brainless blockheads. And when a couple in love has another quarrel, the girl always remembers to say that she tried so hard, learned to play his stupid games for the guy and communicate with close-minded friends, but he did not appreciate it. To which the young man reasonably states that he never asked to make such sacrifices. The point is, ladies, that you shouldn't try to get carried away with a guy's life. You just have to understand it. And then you will be able to accept him and his life. Think for yourself, you also have hobbies that many do not understand or share. And even if this is utter nonsense for you, for hundreds of thousands of people such games are the main hobby in life. Therefore there is no need to judge young man only that your hobbies are not similar. Let him just do his favorite thing, and you do yours. The only thing worth organizing is that you try to do everything at the same time, so that later you can have time for each other. In this case, you will not be annoyed by his hobbies and behavior, since you simply will not be bored.

The same goes for friends. A person cannot please everyone. And there is nothing abnormal if you cannot fit into his company. But it is absolutely stupid and even insensitive to accuse him of being friends with precisely such people. Remember that if a person annoys us, then we subconsciously look for only the bad in him and never notice the good. Therefore, most likely, you have formed a not entirely correct opinion about his friends. If these people are friends, and have been friends for a long time, it means they have something in common. In addition, men have completely different criteria for friendship. Often, they don’t care how their friends behave in a male company, they like vulgar and stupid jokes, they don’t pay attention to rudeness. Therefore, if you are irritated by a guy’s company, just keep your contacts with him to a minimum. But under no circumstances reproach the guy with your friends and do not forbid him to communicate with them. And when he goes to a group of friends, simply communicate with your friends. In this case, everyone will be happy and no one will get bored or irritated.

Today I want to talk about a fairly common misconception that prevents many from feeling comfortable and happy: “If I have taken the path of love (for myself, others and the world as a whole), then I must accept everything”. Usually, under “ obliged to accept everything” means:

• I should not be irritated, dissatisfied, offended and angry;
• I must always be calm, joyful, good-natured and friendly;
• I have no right to be indignant, resist, refuse, leave, shut down, be sad, etc.
• I must understand, support, respect, love, thank, forgive, etc.

Thanks to colossal efforts of will, such a person becomes artificially correct, real, understanding, accepting, supportive for everyone and everything. But an attentive and sensitive observer may notice that something is wrong with him. Despite the calmness being conveyed, there is some kind of nerve, a tear, something subtle, but not healthy.
And really, where would you be without this, if your whole essence wants to explode from injustice, to stand up for yourself, but instead, you gather your will into a fist, put on a smile and say that in life there is a place for everyone.

You don't have to...

• love those you don't like;
• respect those who hurt you;
• be content with terrible conditions;
• remain calm when the world around you is falling apart;
• look indifferently at how your interests, feelings and rights are violated.

We cannot help but react to stimuli because we are alive. But we can control the severity of our reactions and the level of their adequacy. If they break our arm and we remain calm, this is an inadequate reaction.
If we are accidentally hit in transport, and we raise an oath and start a fight, this is an inadequate reaction.

Yes, we can understand and accept that there is a lot of aggression and violence in the world, but this does not oblige us to endure and endure the actions of a tyrant directed against us and/or our loved ones.
Acceptance does not make us passive bystanders, sufferers and compromisers. Acceptance does not exclude us from life, but, on the contrary, includes us in it.

“It pisses me off that people are late. I'm trying to accept it. I try not to pay attention. I try to keep myself busy and distracted while I wait. But everything is boiling inside me! I think it's unfair to make others wait. Yes, I understand intellectually - traffic jams, sick children, overslept, a fan broke down, delayed at another meeting, but in reality, this does not help me not to be nervous and remain calm.”

What is this man doing? He is trying to come to terms with and learn not to react to something that irritates him terribly. He mistakenly calls these attempts “acceptance of others.” But in fact, what he needs to accept is not that people are late, but that he has a painful relationship with time, and that something needs to be done about it, since this has been a problem for quite a long time and is exhausting him.

Let me remind you that for me, acceptance is a process that I conditionally divide into awareness of reality, agreement that it is exactly what it is and, as a result, a way out, that is, making a decision on further actions.
So, without outside help, it was almost impossible for this man to realize what exactly he was not taking. Realize that there are deeper personal reasons that cause anger and irritation due to being late. Next, he needed to accept that the real reason for his dissatisfaction lay not in other people, but in himself. And as a result, make a decision - to work it out or leave it as is.

As you can see, in the example described above there is no question of meekly accepting delays and simply enduring, hiding it under a false mask of supposed acceptance. If you think that a person has let you down by his delay, tell him about it. React. Give feedback. But if any tardiness, any delay, any procrastination causes a storm of difficult-to-control emotions in you (that is, the degree of your irritation is not always adequate to the situation), then most likely you are missing and masking the true reason, which needs to be accepted and sorted out.

What was described above was more about the issues of accepting other people and the world, but what about accepting yourself?

I can't accept myself!

OK. Let's imagine a person who you don't like externally and has a character with whom you can't get along. Introduced? Now come on - accept and love him. Do you think it will work? Even if you live together and try your best, overall it will be a daily torment. And you will feel good only in those bright moments when you are apart.

You will not be able to accept and love such a person. So where did you get the idea that, being dissatisfied with yourself on all the same points, you can accept and love yourself? You are more likely to end up with neurosis than with love.

A woman suffers from excessive obesity. She looks at herself in the mirror and is not happy. She is trying to play sports, go on a diet, carry out various cleansing and health procedures for the body. But all this is fragmentary, not systematic, ineffective and/or not for long. And again, she looks at herself in the mirror and is not happy.
I think everyone knows firsthand that if he himself is dissatisfied with his appearance, then it is very difficult for someone to like him. Even if we outwardly completely satisfy the taste of our object, we will repel him with our own behavior, and the more strongly, the stronger his attempts to get closer to us.

After unsuccessful attempts to put herself in order, the woman decides that she just needs to accept herself. In fact, she is not trying not to accept, but to come to terms with her own powerlessness and try to stop having complexes and suffering. She begins to demonstrate artificial behavior, convincing herself that the chubby girls are very kind. What are they the most best moms, wives and mistresses. That her fullness is her individuality and advantage. And you know, all this is great when a woman really thinks so (and at the same time has no health problems), but not when she tries to convince herself and everyone around her of this. Why? Yes, because she hurts inside. Very. An artificial smile gives way to bitter tears “I try very hard, but I can’t accept myself! Help!".

But what we need to accept here is not completeness. It is necessary to realize that there is a problem - I don’t like myself and I can’t cope with it. And agree that this problem exists and something needs to be done about it.

I’ll repeat it again so that you don’t get the impression that I consider fatness to be something indecent, unhealthy and abnormal - if you feel comfortable and cool in your body, then that’s great. I’m talking about those cases when this becomes a personal, insoluble problem for a very specific person. For one, being plump is deliciousness and a thrill, but for the other, it is pain and suffering. There is no need to help the first, but the second wound will come for support later.

So, you are not obliged to accept what you don’t like, what doesn’t suit you, infuriates, horrifies, infuriates you, etc. Any reaction you have to a person, event or some manifestation of yourself is a bell. It can be situational - you didn’t get enough sleep, you’re in a bad mood, your blood sugar level has dropped, so you’re angry and irritable. Or maybe a real alarm bell: "I have a problem's! I need help! This can’t go on any longer!”

Please don't turn the idea of ​​acceptance into chasing chimeras. Be alive and be yourself.

If you feel like you are already pretty confused and can’t figure it out on your own, then please

To find the right strategy, look at the current one. This is how we usually “accept ourselves”:

1. We look at ourselves without digging too deep.
2. We ignore all the horror of what we saw or are touched by it, like a mother obsessed with her child.
3. We decide to change something.
4. We forget in a day.

If you are angry now and brush it off, saying it’s not me, breathe out and think again. Honestly.

You don't like yourself too much. Sometimes or always. You are dissatisfied with something about yourself, but it’s hard to change, and psychologists or compassionate friends pour treacle: “You are who you are. You’re okay, just accept yourself.”

Let’s just experiment for a second and decide that not everything is okay with you. That the number on the scale makes you sad not because you cannot accept yourself, but because you are fatter than you want to be. That if you earn half as much as your friends, the solution is not to not compare yourself to them, but to earn more.

Accepting yourself in the sense in which inspirational quotes on social networks describe it means the unthinkable - you have to come to terms with it. Decide once and for all that you are fat and will remain so. You can surround yourself with a comfortable reference group (“you even look fat,” “not like that skinny Jolie”) so as not to go crazy from the constant “condemnation of society.” Change your friends to others who are poorer. Then you can compare until you’re blue in the face, because you’re cooler than them.

Accept yourself? No problem. Just lower your expectations. In a choreographed world, where nothing reminds you of your shortcomings and past ambitions, it will be dry and comfortable. Potentially for a lifetime.

Don't panic

Let's be mature. True self-acceptance looks like this:

1. You look carefully at yourself and inside yourself, and then around. You realize what you are like, including in comparison with your current environment.
2. Realistically assess the horror of what you saw. You agree that now you are exactly like this and no other.
3. You try to be kind to who you are, like a good but intelligent mother would do.
4. You decide what is already good (and there will definitely be good), what you cannot change (never or now), and what you want to change and can.
5. Start making changes.
6. PROFIT.

Now let’s figure out how to go through these complex steps (if they were simple, everyone would have done them long ago) efficiently and without losses.

Regular ≠ bad

If you are familiar with the “self-esteem swing” (that is, you jump between “I am a king” and “I am a nonentity” without a tangible buffer), this means that your self-esteem is inadequate. After all, what are we all like as a group? Regular. Not gods and not squalor. Normal people have pros and cons, and you won't change your life until you accept this fact.

Calmly, modestly, without fatalism and hysteria, tell yourself:

I a common person. In some ways I am better than others, in some ways I am worse.

It's hard. “I’m ordinary” for many is tantamount to “I’m a sucker,” because we have the illusion of our own importance, and we will have to go a long way to descending to “ordinaryness.”

By the way, here the comparison that is so unloved by everyone can even help. Compare yourself with close friends. Those who share their innermost things with you, and not just the glossy version of their life in their feed.

They also have problems at work. I'm also overweight and have a beer belly. They were also abandoned. They also abandoned plans and abandoned dreams, which they never began to realize. They are not Einsteins, or Gateses, or supermodels. Like you, they probably don't have a ton of amazing traits, but they do have some very good traits that make you love them. And there are some bugs that are unpleasant, but not terrible. They are just like you.

Achieve What's Important

Everyone wants to feel great, the more often the better, and the psyche helpfully feeds you a buzz for any achievements, even illusory ones. Passed the level? Cool. Did you get any likes? Goddess.

Video games and social networks are so addictive because they give you a boost in self-esteem for no reason, but (fortunately) life puts everything in its place. If you are tired of falling into the pit of “I’m nobody” and running with your heels sparkling for a new portion of likes, you need to understand one thing.

Self-esteem is increased by real achievements in areas of life that are important to you. The only way. No other way.

If it is important for you to look good and you lose weight, or learn to dress nicely, or finally get your teeth done, you will feel better. The main thing is that these achievements will stay with you. A hundred pictures that you took so that one could turn out to be more or less nothing, will not give this, no matter how many likes you collect. The feeling you get from beating a newbie in a game is nothing compared to completing a difficult project at work.

Don't be angry with yourself or others because you are unhappy with yourself. Why be happy? What did you do today to feel great? If all the answers come down to what you ate (literally or figuratively) and not what you cooked, things are bad.

By the way, about those around you.

Stop blaming others

There are people who had terrible childhoods and monstrous parents. They (and not all of them) have psychological traumas and blocks, which, other things being equal, reduce the chances of happy life. But most had normal parents and a normal childhood, with good and bad mixed in. And everyone has the same society, with its propaganda of unrealistic standards of appearance and success.

It has nothing to do with what your life looks like now.

Even if your mother told you as a child that you were fat (stupid, a loser), how old are you now? Twenty five? Thirty? Even if the roots of your complexes lie somewhere outside, you are an adult. Your life is in your hands, and if not, who is responsible for it? Mom who didn't praise? A society that presses?

I know that looking for childhood traumas is a favorite strategy of psychologists, but even they will say that this is at best a start. At worst, it’s a waste of time chewing on the past instead of working with the present. Waiting for a wizard to give advance praise for non-existent achievements or an apology for imagined or even real grievances is a dead end. No one will go to the gym for you anyway, new job he won’t get it, he won’t learn the language, he won’t build relationships.

No one will live for you. And die too.

Pleasure + benefit + flow

U Have a good mood a fairly simple formula: [desire] + [embodiment] = [pleasure]. Happiness is a little more complicated.

[Useful desire] + [embodiment] = [pleasure] + [benefit].

For example, the embodiment of the desire to eat a burger gives a buzz now, immediately. The embodiment of the desire to eat something tasty and healthy gives a buzz (for those who know how to enjoy the taste of healthy food) and health in the future.

To change bad habits to good ones, you need to gradually learn to enjoy useful things, but not through willpower: it won’t last long, because acting through “I can’t” is stress, and the brain will avoid it with all its might in the interests of self-preservation. This is one reason why dieting is usually followed by a feast of gluttony. It is much better not to break yourself, but to change circumstances to make it easier to achieve your plans.

Have you noticed how easy it is to go to dance classes if there is a young lady you like? How do you want to skip to the gym if you fall in love and looking good is so important for your loved one?

This is the flow. Pleasant emotions overcome the stress of doing something new and difficult.

Look for opportunities to create flow. Go to the gym with your favorite friend. Set yourself a goal publicly (on social media, for example) and publicly track your progress. Let your friends' comments support you. Finally, sign up for the training. The goal of any good training is to create flow. Just don’t get hooked on these trainings as if they were likes. They charge you with emotions, but if this charge goes only into dreams, you will waste your money and time. The flow must be caught and directed to useful activities, only then will your life change.

Love yourself

This may seem like a paradox. How to love a mediocre person who has so many shortcomings? To answer, all you have to do is remember the last time you fell in love. It is unlikely that that person was outstanding from a generally accepted point of view, but in the process of communication he became so for you.

You need to love yourself not because you are the coolest, but because you are you.

Your life experiences, character, body, the connections you have built with the world are unique, and that is all you have. Be your own friend, the best, understanding and inspiring for more.

Yes, you have shortcomings, but many of them are surmountable, and you know very well how to overcome them. And those that are insurmountable are, as a rule, not fatal. This is what is meant by the phrase “be kind to who you are, as a good but intelligent mother would do.”

Remember, almost everyone, rich and poor, beautiful and ugly, lives by inertia. People who achieve great success as adults often cannot describe how they got there. They simply did what they wanted. They may rationalize and remember how a certain phrase or event triggered them, such as: “My father died early, and I became obsessed with the idea of ​​​​finding a cure for his illness.” But many of their fathers died early, and not all of them became outstanding scientists. It just happened that way for these people.

The same applies to chronic losers. It happened that way. Even if their conscious decisions (few people decide to lie down and do nothing, but let’s say) led to an unhappy life, what is the use of blaming yourself for this?

The main question for the positive life changes- not “who is to blame”, but “what to do.”

With regular practice of the first two points (realistic perception + real achievements), self-love will gradually appear because a) you will accept the current image and life you have created, and b) you will actively work to improve and develop them.

And that's all a person can do.